Earlier this week at work the daughter of a co-worker came in to give her mum a hand. During the course of the day I overheard a conversation between the daughter and another young co-worker about their party drug experiences. It made me shudder. I could fee the angst rise about my own daughter, and just hoped she wasn’t partying like that. Later I asked the mother how she felt about what her daughter had said, and about her use of party drugs. The answer I received from this seemingly sensible and loving mother was, ” She has to live her life. We all take risks. Didn’t you do potentially dangerous things at their age? At least I know what she’s doing.”
I couldn’t let go of my own angst around it all. I’m scared for my daughter. Things can go so terribly wrong.
A couple of days ago I left the dog in the house while I went to work. Thunderstorms had been predicted and the dog hates them. My daughter was expected home, so I didn’t think she’d be indoors for long.
While I was working I could hear the faint sound of thunder in the distance, and I suddenly had a flash of my daughter as a young child, greatly concerned, asking me what to do with the dog, because she was so scared of the thunder. Being at work I banished the thought, but on the way home, looking forward to seeing my beautiful adult daughter, I realised I missed that little voice, that little girl, that depended on me and thought I was such a wise and protective worman.
At home I was greeted by no one other than the dog, extremely pleased to see me and to get out to have a piddle, but no loving arms of a daughter. She had decided to come home another day.
That evening driving home from a dinner meeting I came across a car accident. The young daughter of a friend of mine had rolled her car on an area of road where roadwords were in progress. She’d stepped out of the car with nothing other than a small cut to the little finger of one hand.
As I stood, holding this young woman who had just rolled her car, I again was the mother I was years ago to a young child.
My mind reeled to a memory from my past. A time when my daughter was 4 years old. I’d put her on her bed in her bedroom as “time out” while she dealt with a tantrum. Her bed was under a window and as she sat there angrily screaming, our cat jumped on the external window ledge and began meowing wanting to be let in. Being angry my daughter wanted the cat off the ledge and swiped at the cat through the glass window. In the kitchen I heard the shattering glass. I felt sick. There she was, now sobbing, glass everywhere. I carefully moved her from her bed. The only injury she had was a small cut on her little finger of the hand she hit the window with.
Now I sit here realising that the attitude and acceptance of my co-worker is the healthier option. Things do go wrong. Accidents do happen. Mistakes are made. Most of them happen to teach us lessons we need to learn. What did I learn out of this lesson? Relax, meditate, let go of some fear, and accept more and more the ever changing and challenging role that motherhood is.
Laura
Teens and drug use. I’m thinking that there must a middle route where you express in no uncertain terms the dangers of doing drugs and your desire that they do not try them. Just because you can’t prevent a child from experimenting (please don’t please don’t) does not mean that you have to quietly succumb.
Both of my daughters saw a friend of my older daughter’s in a coma because of a mixture of ADD meds, and over-the-counter drugs, and caffeine in his system. Not that I purposely asked for them to see that, but I am hoping that they will remember it–remember that bad things do happen. (He’s okay.)
Nov 23, 2008 @ 11:44 am
brigit
I think the middle route is all around us. Teenagers are kept informed about drug use, the effects of, and the danger of drug use, through the media, including the internet and the education system. There is no shortage of information.
Loving, protective and responsible parents also do their best to try and discourage the temptation to try drugs. I think you did the right thing in letting your children see the results of drug use gone wrong. You did what you believed was best for your children.
Unfortuantely even with all this information and education a large percentage of teenagers still try drugs. Teenagers, perhaps because of their lack of life experiences, and brain immaturity still take chances, that risk their lives.
They take chances, when they drive. They take chances with sexual partners. My daughter has laid down at the edge of cliffs to take extraordinary photographs. She has wanted to catch a train at night, on her own, into the city. ( I said no.) She’s great fuel for anxiety.
As the co-worker parent said, at least she knows what her daughter is doing. I’m not sure my daughter is as honest and open with me. She senses my angst and how much I worry.
Over the last couple of days I’ve come to realise, that I tend to fear the worst, and that things don’t always end up that way
I, like you and many other mothers have done what we think is best, but I am still unsettled and worried, and realise part of the problem is from my end, and I need to deal with that stress.
Nov 23, 2008 @ 10:29 pm
Laura
A clarification, I did not purposely have my daughters see what happened to the friend, one daughter was with him when it happened, and stupid ex brought younger daughter to the hospital and she walked by his room when the curtain was not drawn. I am not into exhibitionism of that kind.
I just read an article about heroin usage on the rise with middle-class kids in the area, with recent overdoses and arrests. The ache, the ache.
Perhaps since I am a girl from the city I trust my daughters to with some things. But drug use, and what it shows of their interior emptiness and fears is what scares me. I hope I have given them what they need–internally–to not see drugs as an answer, temptation, escape.
Nov 24, 2008 @ 1:24 am
phhhst
I have tried to instill in my children that if they live their lives well, that in itself is a high. That experimenting with drugs is like cheating for those who have not dared to find real experiences. Now I have a 16 year old boy who lives for extreme sports and scares the crap out of me on a daily basis.
Isn’t it strange how we can live somewhat OK with the dangers in our own lives, but as parents we can’t help but worry?
Nov 24, 2008 @ 3:28 am
brigit
Laura, from reading your blog, and from comments left here, I’m sure you have given your children your all.
Phhhst, well put. I’ve never been able to enunciate it quite that clearly before.
As for the fear around what our kids do. Don’t forget to deal with that stress.
Nov 24, 2008 @ 8:01 am
Eileen Williams
My daughter is now in her early thirties. She’s married and lives on the opposite coast. While I miss her terribly and wish we lived closer to one another, there is a certain freedom from worry. Because I don’t know what goes on in her life on a daily basis, I can either worry all the time or trust that she’s fine.
I, too, miss the warmth and love of the special bond we had when she was little, but adult children bring their own blessings. Recognizing they are truly adults and on their own is one of them.
Nov 26, 2008 @ 3:54 am
brigit
Eileen - recognising that they are adults and accepting the adults they are. Aahh the changes and challenges of motherhood.
Nov 26, 2008 @ 11:01 am
brigit
Eileen, Just remembered a post I wrote a while ago about my daughter not doing quite what I thought she would - Unconditional love.
http://hotmiddlescence.com/2008/08/26/unconditional-love/
Nov 26, 2008 @ 12:39 pm